Missing... missing the caress of spring, the lush bamboo forests, and years of unending peach blossoms...
It was bliss, it was oblivion, and it was a sense of familiarness.
It was where innocence shattered, selfishness welled, and it was the start of the cynical nature.
It was at that time, there was a taste of love... then soon followed the heart broken bitterness. It was when I truly believed promises do come true, and love is grand. Love proved to be hurt, and promises were empty... the shadow it casted lasted well into the present. It was during those restless nights, I realized the sea was too deep... too dark... with too many memories. Anytime it seemed, the serene and calm water can turn to a bitter raging storm drowning me... choking me... devouring me...
I tossed out the songs one by one. They are sickening... full of lies... Only fools believe in everlasting, fools...
Fool perhaps, but it was not very long after I find my way back on that same road. I ask myself... why? Why am I hurting myself like this... once was too much...
Fragility, a piece of emotion that could be pushed left and right.
Fragility, a paper lantern that could be consumed by the fire burning within.
"I love you..." so casually, too casually.
...
"Come back to me..."
...
He apologized for the whole night, dumping sugar coated words in my heart... My heart was screaming, like a target being pulled left and right I didn't know what to do... and yet I agreed.
I slap myself for such decision, but humanity have no hope. No men was any different than the other, they don't deserve woman, they don't deserve to have such delicate and fragile feelings given to them... all they know is to take and destroy.
Just like it was before, and yet never the same as the first time, it came... those feelings repeated once more.
Then life became dull gray, each day I live without living, talking without thinking. Then in the midst of grayness I heard something that was so idealistic it made me numb.
"Our forever..."
"My winter sun..."
It made me conclude he was insane... My only response to him was "lol." I wanted to say more... I wanted to show him he is foolish... I want to tell him he was no different than any other.
I want to say,
"blind faith is stupid."
"blind love is fickle."
"there is no future for us."
but I surrendered... and I subjected. I want more than dreaming dreams... I want to live them. I agreed I will give him a chance.
Once more I slapped myself, once more I was convinced humanity have no hope. I had only climbed out of a hole to jump in another. I wanted to know why I kept on getting hurt time and again to chase something that was non-existent?
I see the words of sweet sensation... then tears flow, I wondered how much longer this sweetness will last before it was turned to a tool of hurt. Too many memories... too little time...
Poems, songs, words... so much care, so much love... I could not concentrate on anything any longer. Questions... why? why? why is he like this? I started to play the game, does he love me... truly? What is love anyway? What is loving someone truly...?
I had always thought, I loved them truly... deeply... because I was so hurt... so heartbroken. Looking at him made me feel I was wrong... my love was minuscule compared to his. Looking at him made me feel those relationships in the past weren't love at all... they were simply an extension of my pride.
And it was my pride that was hurt... not my heart.
Then one day I couldn't take it anymore.
Staring at the moon so blue
Turning all my thoughts to you
I was without hopes or dreams
I tried to dull an inner scream but you
saw me through
Walking on a path of air
See your faces everywhere
As you melt this heart of stone
you take my hand to guide me home and now
I'm in love
You took my heart away
when my whole world was gray
You gave me everything
and a little bit more
And when it's cold at night
and you sleep by my side
you become the meaning of my life
Living in a world so cold
you are there to warm my soul
You came to mend a broken heart
You gave my life a brand new start and now
I'm in love
Holding your hand
I won't fear tomorrow
Here were we stand
we'll never be alone
I hugged my diary and cried... so vigorously it was giving me a headache... I knew I was falling for him, falling hard and fast.
I surrendered.
Completely utterly surrendered.
I could care less of anything else as long as this sensation burns in my heart.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
-Jenn
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A Glimpse of Winter
Cold, he thought. He looked up at the bluish gray sky.
The frigid sky had been low the whole morning, almost threatening snow. The winds had been a little harsher since winter started. A wintry breeze blew against his face as he tugged his jacket closer. Sidewalks and lawns had been carpeted by crisp colorful leaves since fall. Bleak trees lined the island in the middle of the road. Lawns were no longer green but yellow.
Cars passed by rapidly. They looked like shooting stars of variant colors had the road been the night sky. Yet even though they are so colorful, they were always far away. One can only see them pass by in a never ending array of succession.
The freezing houses lined beside the street seemed uninviting. The countenance of the houses seemed to change every season. In the summer, they looked cheerful. In the winter, they were bleak. Brown and white painted the morose dwellings.
However, despite the weather outside, within the houses, people gather with their families. The sound of cheerful laughter emanated near the fireplace. Vivacious lighting of white and yellow gave life within the house. There was that touch of gaiety in every corner of every house.
There is still hope, after all, the boy reflected upon himself. In this city where people are of different origins, they merge and live together. There is still that hope as long as they don't misunderstand each other. In the oneness of the things they do, I see that glimpse of hope...that the sun will rise again tomorrow.
-Ron (hmm...this piece looks totally random)
The frigid sky had been low the whole morning, almost threatening snow. The winds had been a little harsher since winter started. A wintry breeze blew against his face as he tugged his jacket closer. Sidewalks and lawns had been carpeted by crisp colorful leaves since fall. Bleak trees lined the island in the middle of the road. Lawns were no longer green but yellow.
Cars passed by rapidly. They looked like shooting stars of variant colors had the road been the night sky. Yet even though they are so colorful, they were always far away. One can only see them pass by in a never ending array of succession.
The freezing houses lined beside the street seemed uninviting. The countenance of the houses seemed to change every season. In the summer, they looked cheerful. In the winter, they were bleak. Brown and white painted the morose dwellings.
However, despite the weather outside, within the houses, people gather with their families. The sound of cheerful laughter emanated near the fireplace. Vivacious lighting of white and yellow gave life within the house. There was that touch of gaiety in every corner of every house.
There is still hope, after all, the boy reflected upon himself. In this city where people are of different origins, they merge and live together. There is still that hope as long as they don't misunderstand each other. In the oneness of the things they do, I see that glimpse of hope...that the sun will rise again tomorrow.
-Ron (hmm...this piece looks totally random)
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The Purple Nostalgia
And the year ended, and another year began.
The smooth flow of things ended up in an ever increasing crescendo. Many things may have changed, but it was the smooth flow that kept the river from running dry. My river of passion.
Even though the previous year had ended, this year starts with the same prelude. The same prelude plays in an allegro tune that starts out with a taste of pianissimo. I feel as if this interminable prelude would spread out against the invisible sky and splash it with colors. It is the same prelude that started my previous year. From that introduction, the piece flows quite gently and magnificently throughout the year.
How did the story turn out in the end?
I stared up at the invisible sky last December in 2006. Walking home across the ice-filled football field, I wondered whether there was hope for another year. The dream seemed far fetched and no hopes had shown yet. I could only inhale the cold air and exhale a warm one. My icy hands were shaking inside my pockets. My shaky legs could have already collapsed.
What saved me from that cold winter? I asked myself often. All of the time I only arrived with one conclusion. My Winter Sun.
It might have came quite late, but it was on time. Before I lost myself in the inner chaos, a light had already been shining around me. Saved, I could only think.
What was that dream like again?
The sky was bloody red. I was weakly standing in the middle of the street. The surrounding buildings towered around me as if telling me that it was over for me. No hope was left.
The empty, blood red sky hovered around me. I felt helpless inside, yet I wanted to just burst out from within and do my best. I wanted that future, a bright future. But for whom? I asked myself.
It was empty.
I swore that I woke up barely realizing my wants. It was almost the start of another year, I told myself. It was another chance, another hope for me to work for my future.
If the bloody red sky should hover over me, I won't let it. If the buildings around me should try to intimidate me, I won't let them. If the emptiness inside me tries to scare me, I won't let it.
That December dream formed my resolve.
To live a life along with my winter sun, I look forward. I found the answer to my question. "For whom was the future for?"
"For my winter sun."
That was merely what started the prelude in fortissimo last year. The resolution of 2007 gave me a new direction.
What about now? What is the resolution this year?
A new start, definitely, but I want to continue the resolve I had formed inside. The change I had last year had a definite impact on me. The impact is almost tangible to the point that I could literally feel the happiness.
An everlasting crescendo.
And thus, looking back to just last year, I could have sworn that I started from nothing to something. The tune would play and I would try to let it play until I can perform my own cadenza. My own concerto together with the light I found that one winter.
An "Allegro Cantabile Sound" indeed. The lively sound that said "life is just the same as this song."
How I reminisce last year in glee. I keep to that oath I made a year ago. The Amaranthine Affection continues to grow.
-Ron
The smooth flow of things ended up in an ever increasing crescendo. Many things may have changed, but it was the smooth flow that kept the river from running dry. My river of passion.
Even though the previous year had ended, this year starts with the same prelude. The same prelude plays in an allegro tune that starts out with a taste of pianissimo. I feel as if this interminable prelude would spread out against the invisible sky and splash it with colors. It is the same prelude that started my previous year. From that introduction, the piece flows quite gently and magnificently throughout the year.
How did the story turn out in the end?
I stared up at the invisible sky last December in 2006. Walking home across the ice-filled football field, I wondered whether there was hope for another year. The dream seemed far fetched and no hopes had shown yet. I could only inhale the cold air and exhale a warm one. My icy hands were shaking inside my pockets. My shaky legs could have already collapsed.
What saved me from that cold winter? I asked myself often. All of the time I only arrived with one conclusion. My Winter Sun.
It might have came quite late, but it was on time. Before I lost myself in the inner chaos, a light had already been shining around me. Saved, I could only think.
What was that dream like again?
The sky was bloody red. I was weakly standing in the middle of the street. The surrounding buildings towered around me as if telling me that it was over for me. No hope was left.
The empty, blood red sky hovered around me. I felt helpless inside, yet I wanted to just burst out from within and do my best. I wanted that future, a bright future. But for whom? I asked myself.
It was empty.
I swore that I woke up barely realizing my wants. It was almost the start of another year, I told myself. It was another chance, another hope for me to work for my future.
If the bloody red sky should hover over me, I won't let it. If the buildings around me should try to intimidate me, I won't let them. If the emptiness inside me tries to scare me, I won't let it.
That December dream formed my resolve.
To live a life along with my winter sun, I look forward. I found the answer to my question. "For whom was the future for?"
"For my winter sun."
That was merely what started the prelude in fortissimo last year. The resolution of 2007 gave me a new direction.
What about now? What is the resolution this year?
A new start, definitely, but I want to continue the resolve I had formed inside. The change I had last year had a definite impact on me. The impact is almost tangible to the point that I could literally feel the happiness.
An everlasting crescendo.
And thus, looking back to just last year, I could have sworn that I started from nothing to something. The tune would play and I would try to let it play until I can perform my own cadenza. My own concerto together with the light I found that one winter.
An "Allegro Cantabile Sound" indeed. The lively sound that said "life is just the same as this song."
How I reminisce last year in glee. I keep to that oath I made a year ago. The Amaranthine Affection continues to grow.
-Ron
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