Amaranthine Affection in Blue

Missing... missing the caress of spring, the lush bamboo forests, and years of unending peach blossoms...
It was bliss, it was oblivion, and it was a sense of familiarness.
It was where innocence shattered, selfishness welled, and it was the start of the cynical nature.

It was at that time, there was a taste of love... then soon followed the heart broken bitterness. It was when I truly believed promises do come true, and love is grand. Love proved to be hurt, and promises were empty... the shadow it casted lasted well into the present. It was during those restless nights, I realized the sea was too deep... too dark... with too many memories. Anytime it seemed, the serene and calm water can turn to a bitter raging storm drowning me... choking me... devouring me...

I tossed out the songs one by one. They are sickening... full of lies... Only fools believe in everlasting, fools...

Fool perhaps, but it was not very long after I find my way back on that same road. I ask myself... why? Why am I hurting myself like this... once was too much...

Fragility, a piece of emotion that could be pushed left and right.

Fragility, a paper lantern that could be consumed by the fire burning within.

"I love you..." so casually, too casually.

...

"Come back to me..."

...

He apologized for the whole night, dumping sugar coated words in my heart... My heart was screaming, like a target being pulled left and right I didn't know what to do... and yet I agreed.

I slap myself for such decision, but humanity have no hope. No men was any different than the other, they don't deserve woman, they don't deserve to have such delicate and fragile feelings given to them... all they know is to take and destroy.

Just like it was before, and yet never the same as the first time, it came... those feelings repeated once more.

Then life became dull gray, each day I live without living, talking without thinking. Then in the midst of grayness I heard something that was so idealistic it made me numb.

"Our forever..."

"My winter sun..."

It made me conclude he was insane... My only response to him was "lol." I wanted to say more... I wanted to show him he is foolish... I want to tell him he was no different than any other.

I want to say,

"blind faith is stupid."
"blind love is fickle."
"there is no future for us."

but I surrendered... and I subjected. I want more than dreaming dreams... I want to live them. I agreed I will give him a chance.

Once more I slapped myself, once more I was convinced humanity have no hope. I had only climbed out of a hole to jump in another. I wanted to know why I kept on getting hurt time and again to chase something that was non-existent?

I see the words of sweet sensation... then tears flow, I wondered how much longer this sweetness will last before it was turned to a tool of hurt. Too many memories... too little time...

Poems, songs, words... so much care, so much love... I could not concentrate on anything any longer. Questions... why? why? why is he like this? I started to play the game, does he love me... truly? What is love anyway? What is loving someone truly...?

I had always thought, I loved them truly... deeply... because I was so hurt... so heartbroken. Looking at him made me feel I was wrong... my love was minuscule compared to his. Looking at him made me feel those relationships in the past weren't love at all... they were simply an extension of my pride.

And it was my pride that was hurt... not my heart.

Then one day I couldn't take it anymore.

Staring at the moon so blue
Turning all my thoughts to you
I was without hopes or dreams
I tried to dull an inner scream but you
saw me through

Walking on a path of air
See your faces everywhere
As you melt this heart of stone
you take my hand to guide me home and now
I'm in love

You took my heart away
when my whole world was gray
You gave me everything
and a little bit more
And when it's cold at night
and you sleep by my side
you become the meaning of my life

Living in a world so cold
you are there to warm my soul
You came to mend a broken heart
You gave my life a brand new start and now
I'm in love

Holding your hand
I won't fear tomorrow
Here were we stand
we'll never be alone

I hugged my diary and cried... so vigorously it was giving me a headache... I knew I was falling for him, falling hard and fast.

I surrendered.

Completely utterly surrendered.

I could care less of anything else as long as this sensation burns in my heart.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

-Jenn